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Techniques for a Wiser Life

Wise Thinking #4: Overcome Hindsight Bias with Gratitude

©2017 Kristi M Bridges

If I believed in reincarnation, I’d come back at least 12 times and try each of the lives I’ve chosen away. Here’s the dilemma: If I couldn’t log them in one giant journal, each life would seem like the only one. Arriving at life number 12, I’d choose things I’d already done, not knowing this was my final chance to try something new. I don’t believe in reincarnation, but like the days before TV was on-demand, I can’t resist reading the guide to see if the unwatched show might have been better.

Perhaps quantum physics offers a better solution. I could pop into parallel worlds until I found the alternate me and see which track she’d followed. Two weeks ago, I stepped out the airport door and felt I’d done just that. There was my daughter, waving in tuxedo pants and a vest. She looks like me, and she has style. We embraced tightly enough to bruise our hearts. Thankfully, nature gave us identical safety features to protect against such danger. This is a good thing, because in two weeks we had to catch up 28 years of missed hugs. Many times during my visit, her round blue eyes would gaze at me silently, her hands would come up beside her developing grin and her shoulders would wiggle just before she launched a hug attack. Describing it makes me giggle.

She took 26 hours to be born, and I wonder if perhaps she was trying to stay with me. When she was 3 days old, we left the hospital in separate cars. Last year, I received her first letter, and Friday I returned home from our first visit. Once 21 inches long, she’s now an inch taller than I am. She’s only 5’2”, but that extra inch makes her proud. “Look! There’s someone shorter than me!” she told her husband.

She’s far surpassed me in education. That’s what every parent wants, right? Perhaps I mentioned it once too often, because she said, “I’m not all that amazing, okay?” She’s wrong. She’s magnificent. I love the life I’ve chosen, but this incredible girl is taking the trains I skipped to destinations I’ve contemplated. At the age of 17, while I prepared for the state French competition, I told Grandma Roberta I’d love to learn several languages and work at the UN one day. Instead of language, I pursued music, drama and education. 28 years later, my daughter has traveled to Europe and Asia and made a career of being multi-lingual. I’ve written songs, poetry and devotions. She’s written several novels. In the used book store, I was inspired by memoirs and art; she excitedly described several of her favorite Manga series. Her life is the series I most want to read. Is this how every parent feels? I’m surprised my parents didn’t get arthritis from gripping the OSH (Oh Shoot! Handle) white-knuckled while raising me. I assumed parenting was similar to being a passenger in a car chase. You hang on tight, try to help, but spend most of the time yelling, “Watch out!” or praying with your eyes squeezed shut. I’m praying, but mostly prayers of gratitude.

Hang on!

On Highway 1 the other night, after she drove an hour and a half to meet me for dinner, I stopped the car in Indian Springs. In much of the US, streetlamps and neon hide the stratosphere, creating the sense that we’re totally alone. On that untainted stretch of highway, flecks of light crowded the sky, gifts from stars billions of miles away. I stopped the car and received them, reflected them in tears of joy until they blurred together and the scent of pine and moss was muffled by my stuffy nose. “Thank You, Lord.” I repeated at least a dozen times. It feels unfair, to be blessed this way when I didn’t do the work. I am grateful for the woman she’s grown to be. I could have kept her, preventing the struggles she had with her adoptive family. I gave her up to protect her from the mistakes I knew I’d make, but parenting brings out the weaknesses in everyone, even those who pass the rigorous adoption approval process.

There’s a type of faulty thinking called “Hindsight Bias.” It’s natural to look at events and consider how they could have turned out differently, if we’d made different choices. When normal hindsight becomes “I should have known,” or we decide the end result was obvious, we usually aren’t thinking accurately. Life is an experiment with far too many variables. It’s healthy to decide how we’ll do things better in the future, but giving into Hindsight Bias leads us to regret, and regret strands us in the terminal, waiting for a train that’s already gone. Psychologists recommend overcoming this bias by considering several ways a story might have played out. I recommend gratitude and trust.

In between flights that first day, I began crying from a combination of joy and regret. I feared I’d never stop, and I’d freak her out the moment I met her. God sent a seatmate who kept me chatting until I chilled. Once my Valentine hugged me, I grinned for two weeks. On our last day together, she and I and her supportive hubby pried our eyes open at 5:30 to go watch the sunrise on the beach.  It was cloudy, but it was the best sunrise ever. Am I biased? Probably, but I’ll take gratitude bias over hindsight and regret any day.

30 Responses

  • Gerald Carlburg
    Apr 4, 2017

    What a gift you have in writing and expressing yourself.
    What a beautiful time when time stood still for a few hours and you held your lovely daughter in your arms.
    Life will never be the same now……for a restoration has come and God does all things well.
    I am so happy for you both, what an amazing daughter she is and you too are so very amazing with so much gifting and love.
    I rejoice that God gives us so many chances in life and he walks with us and brings us into life eternal. ??

    Gerald Carlburg Apr 4, 2017
    Reply
    • kbridges
      Apr 4, 2017

      Thank you for sharing this memory with me! God is so good to give us second chances!

      kbridges Apr 4, 2017
  • Debi
    Apr 4, 2017

    What a wonderful experience for you both.
    God is good!

    Debi Apr 4, 2017
    Reply
    • kbridges
      Apr 4, 2017

      Thank you! And just to clarify–she drove to meet me for dinner, but I stopped on HWY 1 by myself, as we were in separate cars. The rest of the times we spent together 🙂

      kbridges Apr 4, 2017
  • Apr 4, 2017

    Dear Kristi, you have touched my heart. I’m grateful you and your daughter were gifted with reunion and that it occurred while you are both fairly young. You have beautiful memories to make, share and treasure. Many sunny days..

    Peggi R u dgway Apr 4, 2017
    Reply
    • kbridges
      Apr 5, 2017

      Thank you! We need to do lunch again!

      kbridges Apr 5, 2017
  • Apr 5, 2017

    Lovely..Loved to ride through the tears with you….Tears of joy & gratitude trump regret any day!? Yay!

    Jennifer Rene Owens Apr 5, 2017
    Reply
  • Apr 5, 2017

    I’m so very very thankful you found each other!! I’ve prayed for this for years!!! Crying even as I think of it!
    I love you soooooooooo very much and I’m so glad you and your daughter can experience that love too. God bless you both as you grow in love together. I love you two!

    Joy Apr 5, 2017
    Reply
  • Apr 5, 2017

    And no! No white-knuckling for me, just a whole lot of prayer! I’m so very proud of you and have ALWAYS been! You are my precious daughter!!!

    Joy Apr 5, 2017
    Reply
    • kbridges
      Apr 6, 2017

      Thank you for supporting me–I know it was hard to do. I’m so glad you got to talk to her and I can’t wait til she meets you!

      kbridges Apr 6, 2017
  • Roxana
    Apr 5, 2017

    Thank you for sharing this part of your journey so beautifully written, I was able to sense so many emotions: your tears past and your tears of joy, love and deep gratefulness…I praise God for restoration! God bless you dear friend and blessings over your beautiful daughter!

    Roxana Apr 5, 2017
    Reply
    • kbridges
      Apr 6, 2017

      Thank you for reading it! God is soooooo kind!

      kbridges Apr 6, 2017
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      Jun 1, 2017

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    May 31, 2017

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    • kbridges
      Jun 1, 2017

      I’ve been writing in diaries for years, an de I re-read them on every in awhile for ideas. I began by using a free WordPress blog, and I still maintain it because the community is so friendly. If I may offer two very helpful tips that earn respect for a blogger: 1) Use your own pictures or those you obtain with a proper license–Pixabay is a terrific source for free images. 2) Check your facts in more than one place. I almost published my book with an incorrect “fact” that I’d read somewhere. When I double-checked the information, I learned that “fact” had been proven wrong. I’m glad I verified before publishing!

      kbridges Jun 1, 2017
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      Jun 3, 2017

      Thank you for the compliment! I’m using a WordPress theme called “Brown,” along with some pictures I took and others I obtained from Pixabay. My web designer, http://digitalventuredesign.com/ did a terrific job.

      kbridges Jun 3, 2017
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  • […] Truly. The Illusion of Transparency is a cognitive bias just as much as Gambler’s Fallacy or Hindsight Bias. We do not know exactly how another person feels every single time, and it’s not justifiable to […]

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    May 29, 2018

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  • Apr 5, 2019

    Kristi, reading this again today, I’m praying that you experience this joy over and over again!!! Don’t let the clouds form and rain on your parade! Life is eternal and our joys are a part of showing us that. Live on! Keep on loving! The best is yet to come. In God we have hope!! Remember, only He is able to keep that which we have committed to Him for the day of Jesus Christ’s return. HE IS ABLE! I love YOU!!!

    Joy Apr 5, 2019
    Reply
    • kbridges
      Apr 28, 2019

      Amen to that! I love you!

      kbridges Apr 28, 2019

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